Sunday, 12 April 2015

Birthday Blues


I think it's official, as we pass the age of 21 birthdays don't seem as special as they once were. Whenever my birthday starts to approach, and we enter the bright fresh crisp mornings of Spring April the countdown begins to the day of my birth. Recently for the past few years I have continuously felt this daunting feeling as the day approaches. A feeling of uncertainty unravels a cloud of self doubt and procrastination drops into my atmosphere. I start to doubt everything I have achieved and feel as though it's just not good enough. Comparing myself to those who are also turning 24 and what they may have achieved in that time frame. The idea that at this age, I should be independent, in my chosen career and ticking off my bucket list or life plan is definitely not in motion. Is it weird to feel that time is running out and that's why I don't feel so happy to celebrate my birthday?

Not only is the self doubt fluttering in my mind like moths on crack but then there is this unknown pressure of what to do and how to celebrate your birthday, Everyone want's to know what is happening, As the day approaches people who you haven't spoken to since secondary school post on your unused tumble weed Facebook with HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE A FAB DAY or the ones who haven't put all their heart into the post and choose to write the 3 letters HBD (wtf?), like we are the best of friends and have shared all our deepest darkest secrets on the phone with one another, when really they haven't a clue what you have been doing for the past eight or so years. Family relatives that you don't speak to suddenly come out of the tomb and realise your still alive. I'm not sure about you, but I have never really liked people that don't speak to me wishing me a happy birthday as it never seems genuine. 

Birthday blues is obviously more common than most think, and I certainly need to realise that it is more than normal for me to pause and threat whether my chosen path is going the way I wanted it to. I need to remember that actually everyone does have plans but they alter and change during our  journeys.When I was younger, I imagined that at this coming age I would be working in a successful career or running my own business, bought my own house or renting a pretty cool pad, being a socialite and driving. But in reality I'm going into my fourth year of university (fingers crossed) living in my rented one bedroom flat,working here and there, writing a blog in which I adore. And I am  most certainly not a socialite. The expectations I had created as a child was no where near the reality of what I knew I could achieve, now I'm not saying I couldn't be all the things in that list but my ten year old self had no idea how much houses cost or how hard it is to set up and run your own business. But realistically I am pretty happy where I am, right now in this space in time. It's a whole lot better than a few years ago and I'm content with that. 

It is curious as when my actual birthday is here I am not depressed and my blues goes away as I try and treat it as a normal day, ignore the anxieties the stress and the doubt I had been building up. 

So when next year approaches and the blossoms start to appear so too will my 25th birthday and the onset of my birthday blues. I will aim to come back to this post and laugh about all the reasons that cause me to ponder on another year.


xx
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